Traffic Tickets In Michigan

By: Hank Hardy


No doubt everyone heard of the phrase, if you can’t beat ’em, join ’em. I say; if you can’t beat ’em, make fun of ’em.


Here, in SE Michigan, we have a problem with cops giving tickets unjustly to drivers who, sometimes don’t deserve them. This problem might be happening all over the country but nowhere it’s more obvious than in our area. I was given a ticket once for turning left from the left lane. The cop did not give me the ticket because I turned on the red light or for turning too fast, he gave me the citation for driving a few extra feet on the left turning lane. I tried to explain to him that I was coming out of the store that was very close to the corner, on the left side of the street. For one thing, I couldn’t get on the left lane, next to the turning lane, because of all the traffic, and even if I waited for the traffic to clear and got on the left lane, I would have to immediately get on the left tuning lane in order to turn left, so I stayed on the turning lane, but the dumb officer gave me a ticket anyway. In court the judge pretended to be listening to my side of the story, but he seemed to have his mind made up even before entering the court room. I bet my temperature rose a couple of degrees after paying $120 for this unjust citation.

Another time, I was given a ticket for going 5 miles over the speed limit in a school zone. The cop was hiding behind a tree before he came after me. He came to my car with his belly sticking out as if he was in his third trimester, and his shoulders pushed back to balance his body so he won’t tip over. He walked to my car as if he had a big stick stuck up his ass. The first thing he said was: can’t you see this is a school zone and you’re driving like a maniac, I said: but Mr. Officer, today is Saturday and the school is closed and I am only going 5 miles over the speed limit, He replied that there might be some student in it that decided to cross the street when I came dashing toward their school. Long story short, he gave me a $140 ticket.

You’ll be driving down the street when suddenly you see the flashing blue light behind you. You stop your car and look in the rear view mirror, and here he comes, a big fat ass policemen with a rear end as big as the trunk of my car approaching ever so slowly. He acquired that size of a butt from sitting on it for hours and hours on end, waiting for you to do something wrong so he can do his most strenuous exercise of the day, walking from his car to yours, and do his favorite activity of the day, giving you a ticket. He seems to be thinking, I got you now and I am never going to let you go without having you pay. Nothing you say to him will make him change his mind unless you are a beautiful woman with skimpy cloths that show some cleavage, the more the better, and a good amount of legs wouldn’t hurt. If you fit that description, you’re almost assured to dodge the ticket, unless the officer is gay or a straight woman. In court the judge will never listen to your story and take your side against the officer.

What a waste of tax payers’ money to have these cops sitting on their rear ends for hours and hours waiting for you to make a mistake so they can give you a citation. Granted, they might be needed in some places like schools, residential areas where kids play in the streets and other public places, but why in heavens name would a policeman waste his time and our money hiding someplace just to catch someone who happen to be in a hurry and goes a few miles over the speed limit.

To show that all the city and the police department are interested in, is opening your wallet and steeling everything in it. When you go to court, the judge or magistrate tells you, you can plead one of three ways:

1) Guilty

2) Not Guilty

3) Guilty with an explanation

They encourage everyone to go with #3 because if you go with #1 or 2 you will be found guilty and will have 2-4 points on your driving record, that’s in addition to paying the ticket, whereas with #3, you only pay the money and nothing else. As they say: this ticket will never leave the building. By the way the ticket amount is much higher when you go with #3 because the judge is “doing you a favor”, so, it will cost you.

As Sophia, from the Golden Girls says, PICTURE THIS: You are a man with a wife and 3 kids at home. Your wife can’t work because she has to look after the kids, and it would cost more to put the kids in a day care than what she would make, so she stays at home. But it’s OK because you have a job and you make a whopping $250 a week after all the taxes and social security are deducted from your pay check. By the time the weekend comes, you are down to your last dollar and anxiously waiting to get your next check which will carry you for another week. Since Christmas is getting closer, you work overtime to make a few extra bucks to buy presents for the kids. You were very tired; you go home eat dinner and go to sleep. Next day, you woke up 20 minutes late; you jump in your car and drive a little faster to get to work on time; and here comes Mr. Policeman who stops you and decides to give you a ticket, which takes him 15 minutes to write. You go to work late, but you’re lucky, you don’t get fired, only a warning this time, however, the ticket you received that morning is going to cost you $150. Your kids may not have the presents they were hoping for, your family might not have enough food for that week, but that’s OK as long as that dumb ass policeman is happy and he is “doing his job”.


Obviously, these cities in the Detroit area are in desperate need for cash. Maybe Mr. Mayor wants to take a vacation in Europe this year instead of Florida. OR, maybe he needs a new car or whatever the reason maybe. SO, in an effort to help those cities, and make the cops’ job easier, I burned the mid night oil, racking my brains out to come up with a solution to this problem, and I finally GOT IT. There’s no need to thank me or pay me for my services, just use this plan and make all the money you want. This plan will undoubtedly maximize the money collected from the people, while minimizing the city’s expenses.


Instead of using a fleet of police cars to spread them all over the city, and have one cop in each car, just have one or two cars and two policemen in each car. Set up a road block at different times on different streets; After stopping a car for any or no reason, have one policeman point a machine gun at the driver’s head while the other empty the driver’s wallet and pockets. He can do that for all the passengers in the car too. If any of them has credit or debit cards, charge them to the max. After this operation is completed, set up the road block elsewhere, then rinse and repeat.

What’s that? You say; this is highway robbery?

What do you think giving tickets left and right is?

You say this is illegal and against the law?

Don’t worry; you make up your own laws as you go along. People can’t tell the difference. Just try my method; you’ll make a lot more money. And like I said, you don’t need to thank me.



Leave a Reply