If looks can kill

At a company Christmas party, the 80 year old,semi retired, founder of the company gave a speech. He thanked all the employees who worked hard to make the company what it is today, then he told a joke. He said: Lately, I’ve been having a lot of trouble going to sleep. Last week I went to the doctor, the doctor said: Don’t take your problems to bed!

But Doc, I said, my wife does not like to sleep alone!!

His wife gave him “the look”. If looks can kill this man would’ve been dead on the spot.

Big Eater

A man from New York heard that Southern people are big eaters, so he decided to find out for himself. He drove his fancy car to Tennessee. Arriving to a little town in the Middle of the state he found a group of small boys playing. He called one of them and asked him, hey boy, are you a big eater? Maybe, replied the little boy. I will give you $10 if you can eat this watermelon all by yourself; you think you can do that? The boy replied, I don’t know sir, hold on for a minute. The boy ran home and returned after 10 minutes and said to the man from New York, I think I can eat it. The man handed him the big watermelon and said here you go. The boy ate the whole watermelon. The New Yorker was astonished. He handed the boy $10 and said, this is remarkable but let me ask you one question, why did you go home before eating the watermelon? The boy replied, my daddy bought a bunch of watermelons last night; one of them was about the size of this one. I figured if I can eat that one then I can eat this one.

The Old Lady Driver

A policeman noticed that a car was driving very slowly on the highway. He stopped the car and looked inside. He saw 5 old ladies, all were shaken up and seem to be very scared except for the driver. The officer and the lady driver had the following chat:

Officer: You are driving too slow. Slow drivers are just as dangerous as fast drivers.

Driver: Officer, I am not driving too slow. I always drive the exact speed limit. The sign says 15 and I am driving 15 miles/hour.

Officer: Lady, this is the rout number not the speed limit!

Driver: Oh, I am so sorry officer, I must be confused.

Officer: What’s wrong with your friends? are they alright?

Driver: Yes, they’re fine. We just got off rout 120.

 

The Cheap Bastard

A man worked very hard all his life and saved a lot of money. He hated to spend money on anything and just loved to see his pile of cash gets higher everyday. In his last days he made his wife promise to bury all the money with him when he dies.

At his funeral, his wife told a friend of hers about the promise she made to her husband in his last days. Her friend said, you’re not going to do what that cheap bastard wanted you to, are you?

The wife replied I have to, I am a Christian woman and I don’t lie.

Just before the undertaker closed the casket, the wife yelled: wait… wait, she went to the casket and put a box in it, next to her husband’s dead body and said to the undertaker, now you can close it.

When she sat back down her friend asked her: did you just put all his money in that box?

The wife said: of course not. I put all the money in my bank account and wrote him a check which I put in the box!!

The Greedy Doctor

A doctor asked his lawyer friend.

The Doctor: I want to ask you a legal question.

The Lawyer: What is it?

The Doctor: Can I charge for a medical advice?

The Lawyer: Of course. You can charge up to $100.

The Doctor: OK. You owe me $100 for the medical advice you asked me last week.

The Lawyer: No Problem, but guess how much I charge for a legal advice? you guessed it…$100. That makes us even.

The Old Man and The Officer

A middle age gentleman got an urge one day to do something that he always wanted to do, but never had the courage. He bought himself a brand new Corvette from a dealership. While driving his brand new Corvette on the interstate, a highway patrolman pulled in behind the middle age man in an attempt to pull him over.

He thought to himself “I can outrun this cop” and floored the accelerator, quickly picking up speed and starting to pull away from the cop. All of a sudden the middle age man realized that he was no longer a kid, and pulled the car over and waited for the highway patrolman.

The highway patrolman walked up to the brand new car smiling. He said “It is about the end of my shift, and I don’t want any more paperwork than what I already have. If you can give me an excuse that I have not already heard today on why you were driving so fast, I will let you go without a ticket”.

The middle age man thought for a moment and then said “Well officer, about 10 years ago my wife ran off with a highway patrol and I just thought that you were trying to bring her back.”

Jenny The Horse

A man was sitting reading his paper when his wife hit him around the head with a frying pan. “What was that for?” the man asked. The wife replied: “That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket.” The man then said’ “When i was at the races last week JENNY was the name of the horse i bet on.’ “The wife apologized and went on with the housework.

Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious, upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again. “Your horse phoned.”

The Nucent Deer

It was reported on 12/10/2014 that the growing deer population in Ann Arbor Michigan was wreaking havoc in the area. The deer were destroying crops, causing accidents on the highway and even spreading disease. The state of Michigan opened the door for deer hunting to “thin the heard”, but faced a great deal of criticism from animal lovers. The state officials asked for suggestions on how to deal with this problem. One viewer had a brilliant idea: He said, send an urgent message to the Israeli government telling them that the deer are Palestinians, they will send their air force and bomb the hell out of them, then, they will claim self defense.

Punctuation Genius

‘A woman without her man is nothing’

on the chalkboard and asked his students to punctuate it correctly.

All of the males in the class wrote:

‘A woman, without her man , is nothing.

All the females in the class wrote:

‘A woman: without her , man is nothing.